It's a Dog Tag Wife Life

The musings of a non-conventional, soon-to-be Army Wife

Please Don’t Pity Me, I’m Not a Victim November 6, 2010

Filed under: Army,Life,Marriage,MilSpouse,Politics — It's a Dog Tag Wife Life @ 8:37 am
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All you MilSpouses out there, I have a very serious question for you.  Do you ever feel like people look at you like you’re a victim of an abusive relationship when you tell someone that your husband is in the Military?

I do, and it’s very disheartening.  When I tell someone about the hunny being deployed, or the next deployment, or the last deployment, they give me this look like “Oh, I’m so sorry.  That’s terrible.”  Or they treat you different?  Or stop talking about their significant other, or their children, or the things they did as a family?

Recently, and I think it’s because we’re getting married soon, I’ve heard it more and more.  Instead of someone saying, “Oh, you’re so brave to do what you do.” or “Well, you can’t help who you fall in love with.” or “Wow, you must have a tough life.” I want someone to say “Wow, that’s awesome.   That’s great that you’re there to support him.”

I don’t like being pitied.  I CHOSE to say “Yes” when he proposed.  I CHOSE to marry him.  I even CHOSE to go out with him that first time, knowing full well what his job is.

  • Yes, it’s a hard life.
  • Yes, there are lots of sacrifices that he & I both have to make
  • Yes, I hate deployments
  • Yes, somedays I want to fight with his commanding officer (although, that wouldn’t be good for ANYONE)
  • Yes, I would prefer if he had a normal 9-5 job
  • Yes, I am unbelievably proud of what he does
  • Yes, I support him unconditionally because he does what he must to protect this country we call home
  • Yes, we don’t always agree because of political stuff
  • Yes, somedays I want to shred his ACUs, hide his dogtags, and say the cat ate them
  • Yes, I get frustrated when I have something planned but his work comes in the way
  • Yes, I’ve seriously thought about going 45 mph on post because I hate going 25 mph
  • Yes, I love him with all my heart and don’t want to be pitied because I do

I have a great man in my life and he treats me wonderfully.  I don’t want to be considered a “victim” because I fell in love with him.  I want people to think that it’s awesome that I stand beside him, no matter what, because it’s the right thing to do.  I don’t regret becoming a MilSpouse and never will.  I didn’t fall in love with army, I fell in love with him and I’m proud that I did.

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6 Responses to “Please Don’t Pity Me, I’m Not a Victim”

  1. Susan A. Says:

    This is a very nice post. I can’t say it exactly relates to me. My first marriage we were dual military. In my second, I was Army and my husband Iraqi (brought him back here through the refugee program). For the first two years of our marriage, I served, and he tried to stay alive in the Middle East until coming here (he finally arrived six months before I got out). Now, I’ve been out of the military for over a year and life is getting somewhat normal for us (with the exception of a tough economy). We did our best to not let the military, government, politics and racism to beat us down. It worked!

    It is totally understandable that military life is difficult under any circumstances. I applaud your ability to be strong and support your spouse fully. Not all women do. I personally witnessed countless marriages destroyed during my eleven years of service. They occurred for any number of reasons, but there are great women out there who do not give up on their husbands and stand by them all the way. I wish you both the best of luck and happiness in the future. If you can survive these trying times with a positive attitude, your marriage can survive anything. Don’t worry about what others think. Not everyone understands that, sometimes, love makes the most difficult circumstances worth overcoming.

    • Thanks, and you’ve been through a lot too!!! I could never be in the military, I just know I don’t have the personality or strength to do it, so I give so much credit to those that can.

      And yes, military life is difficult, but it could be worse, and the sacrifices we make are for a good cause. I’m proud to do what I do and hope people understand that I would rather be treated normally, than with pity, when it comes to what my life entails.

      Thanks for stopping by!!!

  2. Molly Danger Says:

    Sometimes… I think my favorite one was when he joined his roommate basically lost it and went to the book store and bought him a bunch of books about how the military is evil and brainwashes you. Come to find out, she’s crazy (certified). Or when someone asked me what he did, I said AF. They laid into me about how he was killing people… and then I said fire fighter… and then they continued to tell me about how he’s being trained to kill. I didn’t even bother getting into the fact that most AF’s don’t have weapons training beyond an M-16, but whatever. I just walked away and never really went back in there. It was a very liberal college town, they protest everything. I knew what I was getting myself into. Yeah it’s no fun sometimes and I’d really like to light the dry cleaners on fire because I’m so sick of putting stripes on everything 8x but I get over it.

    Oh and I’m with you on the speed, I’d personally like to just fly out the gate at like 65 mph cackling and doing doughnuts at the exit. During tech I watched sec. forces flag down the gate SF’s and have them pull someone over for him because he was speeding. I guess beating the guards to the gate doesn’t really fly and I still maintain that they were cheating.

    • Yeah, I heard that from some people that I know that are really liberal, I just usually ignore them. We live in a pretty conservative area so it’s not that much, it’s the “Oh, I’m so sorry for you” that get to me. They should feel sorry for me because I have a wonderful loving guy in my life. They should feel sorry for the woman down the street who has 4 kids and dad isn’t home because he’s got “better things to do”.

  3. Kelly Says:

    I know this is a serious post but I must say you now have me considering shredding the ACU’s and hiding his dogtags… Unfortunately ACU’s are kind of expensive to replace lol.

    And my husband is an MP, so I feel extra cautious about being pulled over lol. I haaaate the speed limits!

    Very nice post though… I’ve heard some of the same things.. and personally I’m extremely proud we’re Army. Our husbands become our heroes, and thats more than others can say.

    • Hahan that’s ok. It was meant to have a little humor. We have so many ACUs right now, I could probably shred a few and get away with it.

      Thanks. I am proud and they are heroes. I just don’t think others understand.


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